Ghost

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suffering from SAD

can I stop feeling so miserable and hard done by now please, I am getting annoyed at myself!!!:s…….. imagining I am in a sunny climate!! far far away from here. :) aaahhhhhhh that’s better.:P.

Me and my Best mate, Ayshea, outside our houses in Salisbury before a night out in Southampton Jongleurs Comedy Club. August 2006

Me and my Best mate, Ayshea, outside our houses in Salisbury before a night out in Southampton Jongleurs Comedy Club. August 2006

Keiren and I at mims birthday party in Salisbury January 2009 before I moved.

Keiren and I at mims birthday party in Salisbury January 2009 before I moved.

Gemma and I, taken before October 2008 Rock night

Gemma and I, taken before October 2008 Rock night

Katie and Willow on their 4th Birthday 

Katie and Willow on their 4th Birthday 

Katie and Willows 4th birthday cake.

Katie and Willows 4th birthday cake.

MY 30th Birthday Cake made by my best friend Ayshea Steele. :D

MY 30th Birthday Cake made by my best friend Ayshea Steele. :D

the cake I made for Keirens birthday.

the cake I made for Keirens birthday.

My life before I moved to West London

Ever since I was a child I always dreamed of finding my perfect partner, you read the sort of thing in fairy tales. When you are a child life appears so simple, and for one naive minute you think that will always be. Then you get to an age when all of a sudden you are on your own to deal with a catalogue of “grown up” stuff. I had a few small relationships before I met my husband when I was 20, but for some reason he stood out from the rest, he was a kind and gentle man and treated me like a princess.  After a short time, we were married just after my 21st birthday. When I married I intended this for life. My family are religious and I was brought up to believe that you must marry, then you have children, and your marriage shouldn’t be taken lightly, if you marry you must live by the vows you take, “till death do us part”. We were very happy, we both worked, had a house to keep and things couldn’t get any better. It was a good five years before we decided children were the next step.  I fell pregnant within months, and when the first scan day arrived, I was nervous if a little bit scared of becoming a mum. The nurse then announced there were two heartbeats and both foetuses were healthy, non identical twins. I wasn’t expecting this at all, they were conceived naturally and although there are twins in both families, I didn’t imagine it would be me carrying more than one. My husband was excited but I just wept. How was I going to cope with Twins? This just wasn’t in my plan at all.

As the months passed, I had an easy pregnancy, and then at around midnight on my first day of maternity leave, I woke up to find my waters had broken; I was six and a half months pregnant so it came out of the blue. I was rushed into hospital to find that both babies were breach and there was nothing they could do to stop the labour, I was taken to theatre immediately where our twins were born by caesarean section. Both babies were around 3lb in weight, and needed to be taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. After five weeks in special care, the day arrived to bring them home, and that is when everything I knew changed and I became a new person.  All of a sudden the barrier that had been shielding me from the real world disappeared.Our twin daughters needed a lot of special attention when they arrived home, and eventually my husband went back to work 5am starts. I felt alone a lot of the time, feeding every 4 hours mainly doing this alone as my husband needed to be asleep by 8pm every evening being a driver, so night and day coping with newborn twins was hard. I cried for weeks, got irritated if the babies were impossible to settle and had very little support from my family let alone my husband, I just accepted this and struggled through regardless. I was visited occasionally by friends and my mum popped in once or twice a week. Six months passed, I tried my best to get to get out of the house and I’d try to get a little courage to talk to other mums as I was a shy person. I was sick of the crying, nappies and I just flipped! It wasn’t the first time I had got to that point, the point where I wanted to physically harm my children, believe me, I came close on more than one occasion, however, something always stopped me, myself awareness was so intense that I knew I wasn’t easing into motherhood as easily as I thought I would. I nervously lifted the phone and called my health visitor who arrived within the hour. I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression and I reluctantly started taking anti-depressants, deep down I knew it was for the best. It felt like I was blaming the babies for the lack of support I received from anyone and more importantly the lack of back up from the person closest to me.  

 During my pregnancy I recalled my husband made a statement that sent alarm bells ringing “My life is not going to change!”  I was too soft for him, if I questioned anything it would be misinterpreted as me starting an argument and would be given the tone of voice that would state “how dare she?” as if there was nothing unreasonable about his lack of enthusiasm to switch the television off and get involved with what we were doing. We never did anything as a family, anything we were invited to, I went alone, and since the girls arrived they always came with me so he had plenty of time to chill out, on his own doing as he pleased. 

He had always been the same, ever since we met, but I assumed he would fit into his role as a Dad. I willed him to get out and enjoy our time now we were a family of four. Then our lives were about to take an unexpected turn. When the girls were around 8 months old he came home one day in a lot of pain and the doctor referred to a specialist who then suggested chiropractic treatment, including acupuncture but nothing seemed to help. He was advised by nurses that he needed to keep active, try swimming, and light exercise, he was provided with exercises to do, given a special chair to promote good posture. I think it is fair to say, he took no notice of the advice that had been provided, and informed his employer that he was unfit to work meaning he lost his job.

I was trying to support him, but there is only so much you can give, especially when I clearly was not being listened to.  I couldn’t cope with the fact that neither of us were working and living solely on benefits that I called my previous employer who instantly took me back on a full time basis. Then I talked to my husband about him taking care of the girls full time, and thought this would be a perfect opportunity for him to organise his day, and get motivated. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I worked for 3 months, but then I realised I came home to work too slipping into the full time mum role.  I still was attending the children in the night if needed amongst other things.  I discussed with him our situation and how it was working out, and suggested I reduce my hours so that I could do 2 hours less a day, but he said that the money would make too much of a difference if I only worked part time. So I continued, day after day, just existing, hoping that he would do more to take the pressure off.

I knew I was still depressed, but to keep my family going I continued. I felt like I wanted to go missing, be alone, and start over, anything just to stop me feeling so weak. I didn’t want my children to suffer, but the time had come that I just had enough. I couldn’t speak my mind; I kept giving my power away to him. We are all powerful beings and through fear just accepted things as they were. So the day came to take that power back! I walked out with the girls one evening, planned on going to my parents, but he came looking, found me and after a dramatic scene he took me back home a broken quivering wreck. I decided the impact of me leaving had shaken him enough to push him into action. I screamed, “I couldn’t cope anymore, you don’t listen or see what is falling apart around you”.  

From that point on, He got up early, went swimming daily and eventually found a new job through a friend, after 2 years of unemployment. That was all great but in my eyes the damage had already been done. It was too little too late. I was on medication for months, another mother, at the nursery my children attended, saw the pain in my face and the stress in my appearance. I was obviously not a calm and well balanced person at that point, medication or not. Anti depressants may mask the situation underneath, but I still looked unwell. This kind lady approached me and asked if I would consider becoming a case study for Reiki Treatments. Reiki is an alternative therapy that uses Universal Energy to dissolve problems within the body, mind and spirit. I had used Homoeopathy in the past and was very open to alternative methods of healing, but due to expense had never considered it for my illness. I was shocked when my friend had just finished her training who was looking for patients to practice with at no cost, this couldn’t have happened at a better time.  It was then I received Reiki Treatments regularly and I slowly got better, came off conventional medication and felt like a new person, it changed old habits and thought forms, and just took each day as it came. I had lost 3 stone after I had the babies, which had a lot to do with my situation; I decided to take control of my life now. I knew that the reason I stayed at my husband’s side was that we were both not strong enough to cope without each other. After he had worked for a year, I decided it was time to separate and try and put things into perspective, he was shocked that I wanted to separate. I didn’t want to give up on my marriage and I desperately wanted to feel what I felt when I met him, I admitted my faults and that maybe we should see a relate counsellor to help us resolve our communication issues. My husband refused, saying we didn’t need it, in other words “I don’t want a third party to challenge me”.  I knew my love for him had disappeared, I wasn’t going to lie just for the sake of the children so we separated, and almost two years on, I have moved away from an area I lived all my life, discovered many other alternative therapies, and am on a spiritual path. Every person I meet takes me further in my journey to self discovery, I have met some lovely and inspirational people that have the same interests, and it feels good that I’ve taken control for the first time in 12 years. I discovered Angelic Reiki   www.healingangels.co.uk a system that has been recently channelled in the last 8 years and it is the most beautiful healing I have ever experienced and I am pleased to say that now I am the one who gives the treatments. It gives me great pleasure that I can promote the importance of peace. I walk around and see so many people hurt and angry; lashing out at the first person they see. You have a bad day? Your mood can affect so many people. I now realise that in life, there are lessons that need to be learned and looking back at this period of my life, and the lesson became clear once I took my life in a positive direction. It was obvious that my husband is who he is, and that will never change, and in order for me to appreciate that, I needed to see it with my own eyes, a dramatic chain of events that would throw me into making life changing decisions. It was rough, and at the time I wished that I hadn’t gone through it, but now I will tell you different. I am happy with everything that has lead me to this point, I regret nothing and wouldn’t have learned so much had I not been put in those situations, I hope that this will inspire people not only take a look at number one, but to also consider what lessons life is trying to teach you, what’s the moral of your story? And are you willing to take control?

 

My girls dressed for their school halloween party, notice the orb at the bottom of the picture! ;P

My girls dressed for their school halloween party, notice the orb at the bottom of the picture! ;P

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